Mike had me sitting in his car outside the mall. We’d finished the burgers and now he’s apologising to me. Says the physician down at the hospital has been against this from the out. If I’m to get the best out of Ambien, I’ve to be in on the act. I’m the one who has to make the changes to my life. No-one else can do it for me. The idea of me being like an innocent observer is unethical. It’s all very well for me to write about Ambien but having me trying to guess what it’s supposed to do means I’ve not given informed consent to the treatment. Having Dave give consent for me was always on the borderline because I’ve never been declared incompetent. (more…)

I’m used to being confused. I had a whole year of walking around like I’m in a daze, not knowing what was going on for most of the time. But this Ambien has me beat. It was just like the first night. Dave takes me up to the bedroom and gets me ready for bed. Then he gives me my second Ambien and lies me down again. I’m making a special effort to watch myself, hoping to see Ambien do something to me, make me feel different in some way. And the next thing I know, I’m waking up in the morning. This is weird. Whatever this Ambien is going to do, it must need to build up slowly inside me. I read about some painkillers that only start to work when enough is in the blood. (more…)

  Not for the first time, I’m confused. Last night, I was full of hope. I was Ambien Girl, off upstairs to save myself if not the world. All I can remember is that Dave helped me to get into bed. (more…)

I’ve been sitting here in the corner of the living room we call the study all day. I remember my mother taking forever to type out something on our old machine. She used to call it, her hunt-and-peck style. I never learnt anything different. Just two fingers in search of something to say. At first, I did think of using a pen. I would get the writing done quicker. But because we got a PC for the boys — they always liked to play games even though they did fight over who was going to play them — I’ve been pecking this out. At least it’s easy to go back and correct something if I hit the wrong key. My mother used to go through bottles of Liquid Paper. (more…)

Dave was bad-tempered because he took time off work to go see the physician at the hospital. Even though Mike slipped him a few dollars to make up the lost pay, Dave said it was all bullshit. I was perfectly able to give consent to take this Ambien. He thinks there’s nothing really wrong with me, which is kind of reassuring. The physician didn’t have all the test results back so he couldn’t gainsay Dave right there and then. But said he was “optimistic”. Dave got more mellow as the evening went on. He chugged a few beers and we had a meal. The boys came in and went out again — they were laughing about something called Zolpidem — like they could set up on the streets to sell any leftovers.

Dave chased out after them and I could hear them arguing for a while. When he got back, he said they’re expecting to start me on Ambien next week. When I asked him about it, he got a bit tight-lipped, like he thought he should tell me all about it but didn’t want to at the same time. He did say he didn’t like Mike — thought he was making fun of me a lot of the time — but kind of liked the chance we’d got to find out if there really was something wrong with me. Free testing at a swanky hospital seemed a big plus. And it wasn’t as if this Ambien was a new thing. Like they weren’t experimenting on me like I was some lab rat or anything.

I said I sometimes felt like a lab rat. Bottled up in the house all day because I didn’t feel safe to go out. Just waiting around for Dave to come home and feed me.

Dave gave me a cuddle and tried to sound as if this Ambien was going to solve all the problems. He said people had been taking Ambien for years. You could even use a computer to buy Ambien online. It had a good rep. I should try not to worry. The physician had given him all kinds of instructions on how to look after me after I started to take it. And, now that the boys were in on the act, he’d have to find somewhere safe to hide the tablets just on the off-chance they weren’t joking about selling it on the streets. That seemed strange to me. Was this like some kind of drug? Was I going to get hooked like on coke? Not that I’ve ever taken anything like coke, of course. But people always talk about coke and crack as if they’re a one-shot trip to rehab.

Dave said so long as we were careful, there was nothing to worry about. After all, how could it be dangerous like in hard drugs if you could buy Ambien online. I’d just take it for a few days so I could see how it worked. He laughed and said he’d hide the Ambien from me as well as the boys so I couldn’t take any of it by accident. I can forget what I’ve done and repeat myself if Dave doesn’t look out for me. That way, we’d keep everyone out of jail or rehab whichever came first. I got all worried again that the boys might get into trouble, but Dave cuddled me some more and it didn’t seem so bad anymore. He said Ambien might change me from a rat-mom into a soccer mom except we wouldn’t have the money and the boys didn’t play soccer. But he thought I deserved the chance. He can be a real sweetie sometimes.

  Mike came round to collect me. When he walked into the kitchen, he was all smiles. We were off to see the wizard to make sure it was OK for me to take this balm, Ambien. Actually he said, “toto(ly) safe” not OK, looking at me in a slightly odd way. I looked up “balm” in a dictionary when I got back. Whatever this Ambien is, it’s like an ointment for me to rub in. Then he was all organized, making sure the house was locked up and I had a key to get back in with. He was just like Dave which was kind of reassuring. (more…)

I’ve got all these firsts lined up. It’s going to be my first time taking Ambien — next week, Mike says. It was my first time to enter and win a competition.

For the first time in months, I’m actually feeling something positive — feeling proud of myself. For once, my oldest son was thoughtful. He put an egg cup right in the middle of the kitchen table. When I saw it, I thought he was hungry and soft-boiled an egg. On his way out the door, he said the cup was the closest thing he could think of to a 1st prize trophy without having to buy one and was gone before I could tell him about the egg. I’ll tell him when he gets back. (more…)