I’m used to being confused. I had a whole year of walking around like I’m in a daze, not knowing what was going on for most of the time. But this Ambien has me beat. It was just like the first night. Dave takes me up to the bedroom and gets me ready for bed. Then he gives me my second Ambien and lies me down again. I’m making a special effort to watch myself, hoping to see Ambien do something to me, make me feel different in some way. And the next thing I know, I’m waking up in the morning. This is weird. Whatever this Ambien is going to do, it must need to build up slowly inside me. I read about some painkillers that only start to work when enough is in the blood. Read the rest of this entry »

  Not for the first time, I’m confused. Last night, I was full of hope. I was Ambien Girl, off upstairs to save myself if not the world. All I can remember is that Dave helped me to get into bed.

This was a big flashback and all thanks to Ambien. I haven’t been to bed with him for a year and more. Not since I found I couldn’t get to sleep at the normal times. I was so restless and he was always complaining I was keeping him awake. So I took to catching naps on the sofa whenever I felt tired..

So we broke the mold. He got me to lie down and gave me my very first Ambien tablet. I was disappointed it didn’t turn out to be an ointment. But Dave did rub my back as I lay waiting for something to happen. And that’s all I can remember until I woke up this morning. Dave had already gone to work so I’ve toasted some bread and made some coffee.

For once, it looks like I’ve slept right through the night — a full eight hours. I can’t remember the last time I did that. So whatever this Ambien was supposed to do. . . I must have fallen asleep before it could do it.

Well, perhaps I can work it out tonight — assuming Dave is allowed to give me Ambien every day — I think Mike and that physician at the hospital said something about not taking it for too long. At least, I feel a little more alert this morning. Usually, I’m walking around in a daze most of the time but I can remember last night quite clearly. Perhaps this Ambien is a kind of upper.

I was just thinking of finishing this writing and lying down on the sofa when Mike came round. He was really interested to read what I’d written about Ambien. Then he gets me ready to go out. Well, not like Dave actually dressing me. But he picked out a top and some jeans and left me to get on with it. Then he gives my hair a quick brush. Dave had it cut short like a boy months ago so I never have to fuss or bother with it.

Then I’m packed into his favorite Taurus. He’s full of chat, but not about Ambien which is strange. Usually it’s “Ambien this” and “Ambien that”. But this time it’s, “Well, will you look at this!” and “What do you think of that?” and prompting me to reply. Before, he has never minded me drowsing. Today, it seems it am not to be allowed a moment to rest.

He takes me down to see Dave at work, showing me off as Ambien Girl as if I’d just won some kind of prize. I have the idea that Dave isn’t very pleased to see us but he does his best for ten minutes until he says he’s got to get on and shoos us away.

Then we’re busy doing one thing or another for the rest of the day until it’s time for Dave to come home. Then there’s a kind of ceremonial hand over like I’m the baton in a relay race and Dave is getting me to help him cook.

Then, Dave’s typing the rest of this as I speak. He says it’s almost time for my next Ambien. When I look at the clock, it’s almost exactly the same time as I went to bed last night. What an odd coincidence.

I’ve been sitting here in the corner of the living room we call the study all day. I remember my mother taking forever to type out something on our old machine. She used to call it, her hunt-and-peck style. I never learnt anything different. Just two fingers in search of something to say. At first, I did think of using a pen. I would get the writing done quicker. But because we got a PC for the boys — they always liked to play games even though they did fight over who was going to play them — I’ve been pecking this out. At least it’s easy to go back and correct something if I hit the wrong key. My mother used to go through bottles of Liquid Paper. Read the rest of this entry »

Dave was bad-tempered because he took time off work to go see the physician at the hospital. Even though Mike slipped him a few dollars to make up the lost pay, Dave said it was all bullshit. I was perfectly able to give consent to take this Ambien. He thinks there’s nothing really wrong with me, which is kind of reassuring. The physician didn’t have all the test results back so he couldn’t gainsay Dave right there and then. But said he was “optimistic”. Dave got more mellow as the evening went on. He chugged a few beers and we had a meal. The boys came in and went out again — they were laughing about something called Zolpidem — like they could set up on the streets to sell any leftovers.

Dave chased out after them and I could hear them arguing for a while. When he got back, he said they’re expecting to start me on Ambien next week. When I asked him about it, he got a bit tight-lipped, like he thought he should tell me all about it but didn’t want to at the same time. He did say he didn’t like Mike — thought he was making fun of me a lot of the time — but kind of liked the chance we’d got to find out if there really was something wrong with me. Free testing at a swanky hospital seemed a big plus. And it wasn’t as if this Ambien was a new thing. Like they weren’t experimenting on me like I was some lab rat or anything.

I said I sometimes felt like a lab rat. Bottled up in the house all day because I didn’t feel safe to go out. Just waiting around for Dave to come home and feed me.

Dave gave me a cuddle and tried to sound as if this Ambien was going to solve all the problems. He said people had been taking Ambien for years. You could even use a computer to buy Ambien online. It had a good rep. I should try not to worry. The physician had given him all kinds of instructions on how to look after me after I started to take it. And, now that the boys were in on the act, he’d have to find somewhere safe to hide the tablets just on the off-chance they weren’t joking about selling it on the streets. That seemed strange to me. Was this like some kind of drug? Was I going to get hooked like on coke? Not that I’ve ever taken anything like coke, of course. But people always talk about coke and crack as if they’re a one-shot trip to rehab.

Dave said so long as we were careful, there was nothing to worry about. After all, how could it be dangerous like in hard drugs if you could buy Ambien online. I’d just take it for a few days so I could see how it worked. He laughed and said he’d hide the Ambien from me as well as the boys so I couldn’t take any of it by accident. I can forget what I’ve done and repeat myself if Dave doesn’t look out for me. That way, we’d keep everyone out of jail or rehab whichever came first. I got all worried again that the boys might get into trouble, but Dave cuddled me some more and it didn’t seem so bad anymore. He said Ambien might change me from a rat-mom into a soccer mom except we wouldn’t have the money and the boys didn’t play soccer. But he thought I deserved the chance. He can be a real sweetie sometimes.

  Mike came round to collect me. When he walked into the kitchen, he was all smiles. We were off to see the wizard to make sure it was OK for me to take this balm, Ambien. Actually he said, “toto(ly) safe” not OK, looking at me in a slightly odd way. I looked up “balm” in a dictionary when I got back. Whatever this Ambien is, it’s like an ointment for me to rub in. Then he was all organized, making sure the house was locked up and I had a key to get back in with. He was just like Dave which was kind of reassuring. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve got all these firsts lined up. It’s going to be my first time taking Ambien — next week, Mike says. It was my first time to enter and win a competition.

For the first time in months, I’m actually feeling something positive — feeling proud of myself. For once, my oldest son was thoughtful. He put an egg cup right in the middle of the kitchen table. When I saw it, I thought he was hungry and soft-boiled an egg. On his way out the door, he said the cup was the closest thing he could think of to a 1st prize trophy without having to buy one and was gone before I could tell him about the egg. I’ll tell him when he gets back. Read the rest of this entry »

This is a word of introduction and explanation. “They” thought it should start this way so that you’d all understand how and why all this came to be written.

I entered a writing competition. Read the rest of this entry »